


We Are The Next Time Around

by PlayingWithFire



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Elijah Kamski & Gavin Reed are Siblings, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Break Up, Upgraded Connor | RK900 Has a Different Name, Weddings, this one has it all folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 15:12:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17185364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlayingWithFire/pseuds/PlayingWithFire
Summary: Tina shoots a Serious Cop Look in Gavin’s direction.‘You should probably talk to him. Richard, I mean. This- you can’t go on like this.’ Now Gavin actually laughs out loud. ‘Great idea, Tina. I’ll just talk. About my feelings. To Richard.’ He draws out the last three words.‘Well, you have to do something, or this is gonna escalate to something worse than pretending to still be in a relationship with your ex at your brother’s wedding.’‘You know, if you put it like that, it does sound kinda fucked up.’





	We Are The Next Time Around

**Author's Note:**

> So this is what I've been writing the past few months instead of doing some very necessary work for school. 
> 
> I've never written fan fiction for anything before but these characters definitely did something to me. I had this idea somewhere around Summer and finally managed to finish it now. I hope you'll enjoy this rambling. 
> 
> Also English isn't my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes you might find.

Gavin is on his third… fourth glass of whiskey? Hell, he’s lost count. All he knows is he’s started when the sun was going down, and now it’s pitch black outside. The invitation is still on his coffee table, carelessly opened and then thrown away.

Gavin remembers the day Elijah had called him to tell him he was going to get married. Gavin had been happy for him, of course, like any brother would be (a role that he still hadn't been exactly used to at the time). Gavin had also gotten blackout drunk that night and called in sick the next day. 

It isn't that Gavin doesn't want Elijah to be happy. He’s way past that. It is simply that Gavin knows he's gonna fuck up as the kind, supporting brother. Because he is a miserable idiot. 

Sometimes Gavin is so good at pushing his feelings aside that he forgets about that and actually manages to get on properly with his life: showing up at work on time, going out with his friends, coming home late, feeding his cat and going to bed. The last few months might have been something like improvement for him - he feels okay, almost good sometimes. 

And he might even have felt good about the invitation. If it wasn't for who it is addressed to. ‘To Gavin and Richard’. 

Back then, Elijah had been so happy about finally getting engaged. For, Gavin, it had been a great excuse. He couldn’t just disappoint his brother like that, he’d told himself. And Elijah was still on cloud nine a month later, two months, and well. Now it had been six months and maybe Gavin had missed the opportunity to tell his brother that him and Richard were no longer in a relationship.

Okay yeah. There were multiple opportunities.

Fuck. 

Gavin’s eyes are closed. The headache has already set in. He can almost hear the comments he's going to hear from Hank when he shows up to work hungover tomorrow. But thinking of Hank makes him think of Connor and thinking of Connor-

Fuck. 

When Gavin thinks back to it (and Gavin does his best to avoid thinking back to it), to him and Richard, there’s always and odd ease Gavin knows he's just imagining. Gavin’s relationships are never easy, there's barely moments of peace and quiet. Why should things have been any different with Richard? 

Still, there's an ache he feels that's different from the bitterness that usually comes with Gavin’s exes. Maybe it's because they still ended up seeing each other from time to time, Richard’s brother being something like Gavin’s friend, and because of the polite and distanced understanding between them that allows them to sit next to each other on Connor’s couch, never really looking at each other.

Maybe it's just because Richard is the only decent fucking person that Gavin has ever dated. 

‘I sure do hope you know what you're doing here because you definitely will never find anyone better again,’ Tina had said back when they'd broke up. Gavin presses a finger to his aching temple. ‘Well, fuck, Chen,’ he mutters to no one, ‘guess you were right.’ 

Gavin's thoughts come back to the wedding, reliable like fucking clockwork. He imagines showing up there without Richard. He imagines Elijah, gorgeous and glowing and happy and gentle the way Gavin still doesn't exactly understand even after all this time. He imagines Chloe, with her kindness that makes Gavin’s stomach turn and his chest ache. And then there's himself amongst them, alone and pitiful in a suit that doesn't seem to fit right. 

It's Elijah’s day, and that makes it funny. Gavin seems to have a tendency to bring his own baggage along to days meant for other people. 

For some reason that might have something to do with the alcohol, Gavin remembers one of the many conversations he’d had six month ago that he’d done his best to forget. Connor is in it, his hands are clinging to the back of a chair with a tension that's barely visible, and he wears a very thin smile. It's not sincere. 

‘So,’ he's saying with that voice that makes Gavin’s toes curl for no reason at all, ‘how exactly do you imagine this going? Do you expect me to make some kind of choice between you?’

Gavin hates the question even when it's still leaving Connor’s mouth. He's about to give a reply, ready to make everything worse, but Richard is already taking a steady step forward, away from where he was standing. Next to Gavin. 

‘Of course not,’ Richard is saying. He's closer to Connor but he's not touching him. His back is ramrod straight. ‘This,’ he says, the word a strange sound in his mouth that makes Gavin want to run away, ‘is happening in mutual understanding. You have nothing to worry about. We've talked, and came to a decision. It's not going to be messy.’

He makes the most subtle turn of his head to Gavin’s direction. ‘From my side at least, that is,’ he adds. There's the smallest hint of a threat in his voice but Gavin is too tired to address it with any hostility. He takes his own step forward, smaller than Richard’s.

‘Yeah,’ he says. His voice feels dry when he speaks but it sounds just like his usual self when he repeats Richard’s words. ‘Nothing to worry about.’

Connor relaxes a little. This time again it's barely visible. Gavin wishes Hank was there for a desperate second; someone that would yell at them for telling him this, about how ridiculous the decision is and how they're making a mistake. 

Maybe everything had gone differently six months ago if the people closest to Gavin’s decision weren't so emotionally subtle it was a physical act to get a proper reaction out of them. 

Maybe then he wouldn't be sitting in his apartment alone right now, slightly drunk and nauseous, dreading his own brother’s wedding, finding new ways to blame others for his problems. 

But that doesn't matter anymore because Gavin and Richard are broken up. Richard probably has someone new already, someone that's better than Gavin, and he is going to go to this wedding alone, and all of that is completely fine. Because Gavin doesn't miss Richard, and he's just worried about this for Elijah’s sake. He doesn't regret what he'd decided six months ago. He doesn't miss Richard.

Gavin pours himself another glass. 

He's briefly thinking of calling Tina but that would mean he'd have to tell her what was going on and she would tell him that he's fucking stupid for letting it go on for this long. He can already hear it.  _ Get it together, Gavin.  _

‘Yeah, get it together, Gavin’, he mutters to himself and then laughs a bitter, unhappy laugh. Great, now he's already fucking talking to himself. 

Gavin closes his eyes and listens to the silence of the apartment. Then, he opens them again. He sits up.

A very, very bad idea is taking shape in his mind. 

Richard and him are not exactly friends, but they are not on bad terms, meaning that they do manage to sail through an evening with Connor, their only common ground for the past six months, without antagonising each other and ruining a movie night (they are probably even theoretically able to spend some polite and awkward, but peaceful time alone, except they don't). 

So. They can exist next to each other without colliding. But Gavin isn't sure how far that tolerance could go. Surely what he is thinking of is way out of their current relationship’s range. And yet… 

Gavin, like the impulsive fucking idiot he is, can't get the idea out of his head now that it's there. He picks up his phone. He puts it down again. Instead, he pours himself another glass, and he thinks.

 

 

* * *

‘I'm sorry,’ Connor says, eyebrows drawn up to his hairline, ‘you're going to do what?’ 

‘I just told you.’ Richard is taking a black shirt out of his closet and folding it to put it in his bag. ‘I'm going to a wedding.’

Connor crosses his arms over his chest. Under the discomfort in his face he mostly looks...worried. Richard looks away from him. 

‘Do you really think this is a good idea?’ His voice is soft, like he's afraid someone might overhear them. Richard barely lifts his shoulders as a response. ‘I don't think i understand what your problem is,’ he says, calmly as ever. ‘I was invited. So I'm going. What's wrong with that?’ 

‘You know exactly what's wrong with that. Don't you remember what happened six months ago?’ Now Richard looks at Connor, and the look in his eyes makes his brother shut up immediately. ‘I'm perfectly aware of what happened, thank you, Connor’. 

He turns away to his bag again and his voice loses some of its chill from before when he goes on. ‘I thought you would be happy about this.’ It’s a lie, technically. This reaction is exactly what he expected from Connor. This is also why they are only having this conversation now - with Richard packing his bags, having reached the point he couldn't put off telling his brother anymore.

‘You always said you wanted us to be friends - I’m doing this as his friend.’ He turns around again, this time with the smallest smile. ‘Are you never going to be happy?’ 

Connor is starting to look desperate. ‘You know that’s not the same thing.’ He takes one step forward. He’s trying very hard, Richard can tell, and he is definitely not enjoying it at all.  _ ‘Friends  _ don’t go to weddings together  _ as a couple _ . Not if they’ve been broken up. For  _ half a year _ .’ 

Connor does make it sound like a bad idea; he is good like that. And Richard probably knows himself that what he’s going to do won’t be good for him. After all, it was Gavin’s idea, and he is not exactly an expert in healthy decisions. 

Still. He’s going to do it. He… wants to. He doesn’t think about why. 

‘What could possibly be the worst thing to happen?’, he asks instead. He’s nearly finished packing. Connor must feel like he is running out of time. 

‘Richard,’ he says softly, and takes another step forward. ‘Do you understand that I worry about you? You and Gavin - I know what these past six months have been like for you. I just don’t think that this will be good for you.’ 

Richard sighs shortly. All of this would be easier if Connor didn’t genuinely care about him - or if he was just a little wrong about this. 

He puts his hand on Connor’s shoulder and looks him in the eyes for a second. Then he turns away one last time. He zips up his bag. 

‘You don’t need to worry about me, Connor,’ he says simply. ‘It’s simply a favour for Gavin - I’m sure he would have asked you instead if he could’ve.’ He fingers around the zipper absentmindedly before going on. ‘This won’t change anything.’

 

* * *

 

 

Tina is digging through Gavin’s closet until she has fished out his only passable tie. 

‘You know, Gavin,’ she’s saying lightly, ‘for being one of the most competent detectives I have ever worked with, you really are the biggest damn dumbass I know.’ She has a thorough look at the tie before shrugging and throwing it on the bed to the rest of the clothes. 

Now is the first time she actually looks at Gavin since she’s knocked on his door fifteen minutes ago. Gavin smiles weakly. 

‘Tell me something I don’t know, Chen.’

Her brows furrow. ‘How is this funny even in the slightest, Gavin?’

‘Come on, Tina. What are you so worried about? It’s my problem, I don’t even know why you’re here anyway.’ Tina throws her hands up in frustration. ‘Don’t play dumb, Gavin,’ she nearly snarls. ‘I’m your _best_ _friend_. Everybody knows that you’re going to return from this wedding an absolute mess. And who is the one that you’ll call in the middle of the night to get drunk and cry with? Oh, that’s right.’ She points to herself with one thumb. _‘Me_.’ 

Gavin avoids Tina’s eyes. ‘That won’t happen this time,’ he mutters. ‘Gavin.’ 

Still not looking up, Gavin is quiet. He takes the tie from his bed and starts fumbling around with it until Tina snatches it from his hands.  _ ‘Gavin.’  _

‘Look, you’re right, okay?’, he snaps and finally looks up to her. Instead of angry and frustrated, she looks mostly worried, and that’s perhaps the worst part of it all. ‘Of course you’re right, fuck.’ He scoffs and runs a hand through his hair. ‘I don’t think I know what I’m doing, Tina.’ 

Tina takes a deep, resolute breath and then pulls Gavin into a rib-breaking hug. ‘Goddamnit, Gavin,’ she mutters, ‘I will murder Richard for saying yes to this idea.’ Gavin chuckles weakly. ‘You should murder him for making me reconcile with Elijah in the first place.’ 

Tina lets go of him and shakes her head. ‘Why didn’t you tell him six months ago?’ 

Gavin looks at her with a pained expression. ‘I think you know why, Tina.’

She sighs, and walks over to the bed to collect the clothes. ‘You are in deep shit, dude.’ She starts folding and shoots a Serious Cop Look in Gavin’s direction.

‘You should probably talk to him. Richard, I mean. This- you can’t go on like this.’ Now Gavin actually laughs out loud. ‘Great idea, Tina. I’ll just talk. About my feelings. To Richard.’ He draws out the last three words. 

‘Well, you have to do something, or this is gonna escalate to something that's worse than pretending to still be in a relationship with your ex at your brother’s wedding.’

‘You know, if you put it like that, it does sound kinda fucked up.’

‘Oh, you think?’

Tina goes home not long after that, leaving Gavin with a wary face and a squeeze of his shoulder.

‘Look, Tina,’ he says when she's in the doorway, ‘I'm sorry about this. I know it's… fuck, it's probably not the most fun to watch this happen and then deal with the damage, I guess.’ He pauses, because the next words burn in his throat like alcohol. ‘Just… thanks, for being there for me like this.’

Tina smiles softly and hugs him again, much more gentle this time. ‘Anytime, Gavin.’ 

She lets go of him and steps out of the door. ‘Text me when this is over, and if you want to get drunk then badly enough, I'll choose the drinks.’

Gavin chuckles. ‘Deal.’

He gets another text from Tina a few minutes later. She must have written it right after getting into her car. He reads it just before going to bed and can't help but wish he’d have only noticed it in the morning. He runs a hand through his hair and takes a long breath. 

‘Fuck.’ 

Tina’s text is:  _ You know you've only started saying things like these after meeting Richard, right? _

* * *

 

 

_ Gavin’s apartment is tidied up well these days. The first time Richard came to visit him a few months ago, Gavin panicked and cleaned it more thoroughly than any other time ever since the day he’d moved in. The same thing happened the second time, and the third. The fourth time Richard came over, Gavin didn’t have to anymore.  _

_ Leaning against the counter in his kitchen, Gavin is quietly watching Richard over his cup of coffee.  _

_ He looks good here, Gavin decides fondly. In Gavin’s kitchen, Gavin’s apartment. He oddly seems like he fits there.  _

_ Richard turns around now and eyes Gavin. He smiles into his coffee for a moment. Richard is way too gorgeous. It’s honestly not fair.  _

_ ‘Are you going to sit there and stare at me all day or are you actually going to help?’  _

_ Gavin grins. He empties the rest of his coffee and pushes himself up from the counter. ‘In my defense, you do look like you are handling this pretty well yourself.’  _

_ His eyes wander to Richard’s hands, holding one of Gavin’s kitchen knives, for a second before focusing back on Richard’s face. ‘What do you need?’  _

_ Without a word, Richard hands him an onion. ‘This.’ Gavin reaches for the book on the counter. ‘Pretty sure there’s no onions in the recipe, Nines-’ ‘No,’ Richard insists, slamming the book shut before Gavin can touch it. He’s still looking at Gavin. Ever so slightly, he’s smiling. Very suspicious. ‘I need it. Please?’  _

_ Extremely suspicious. Ah, but he’s  _ smiling _.  _

_ It’s that same fucking smile that almost gave Gavin a heart attack the first time he saw it. It’s just a small smile. Insignificant. Nothing compared to the sound Richard makes when he  _ laughs _.  _

_ Honestly. This is just not fair.  _

_ ‘You bastard,’ Gavin whines, but he takes the onion nonetheless. Richard’s smile grows wider. It’s subtle, and very easy to overlook. But Gavin still notices.  _

_ Before, Gavin’s weekends mostly contained of sleep and food, and trying his best to forget the week behind him. That’s changed. A lot has changed around him since he met Richard, actually. _

_ They spend a lot of weekends like this: a meal, chosen and cooked together, and a movie, sprawled on Gavin’s couch. Sometimes they’re focused, sometimes (way too often) they talk through the dialogue.  _

_ ‘How’s Connor doing?’ _

_ ‘Very well, I believe. He’s losing his mind over Hank’s birthday again.’  _

_ ‘Aw, hell. I can imagine.’ _

_ ‘How is Hank, anyway?’  _

_ ‘Fuck, don’t get me started.’  _

_ Sometimes, when it gets late and the movie is long, one of them ends up falling asleep. Gavin remembers himself one night sitting next to Richard on the couch, Richard’s arm around him, and then waking up in his bed in the morning, someone else quietly breathing next to him.  _

_ That day was nothing though, compared to the first time Richard fell asleep against his shoulder.  _

_ One moment, Richard is pointing out flaws in the logic of Back To The Future, the next he’s gone. ‘God, if you’re like this now, you’re gonna fucking love the second one’, Gavin mutters, and pauses when Richard doesn’t respond.  _

_ Considering that he's a detective, it takes him way too long to realise what’s happening. When he does, he freezes.  _

_ He doesn’t dare move for twenty minutes. He just stares down at Richard against his shoulder, eyes closed and face peaceful. Gavin knows Richard is a light sleeper. Gavin is terrified to startle him. But Richard doesn’t even stir until thirty whole minutes later.  _

_ When he does, he seems disoriented, and he moves like his body is made of lead. ‘Did I miss the end?’, he asks softly, and looks up to Gavin.  _

_ In this moment, Gavin can’t do anything but kiss him. They go to bed, and Gavin doesn’t let go of him for the entire rest of the night.  _

_ And so their weekends come and go. Gavin isn't as tired in the mornings as he used to be and he has no intention of stopping. _

* * *

 

 

Gavin has been unfocused the whole morning. He doesn’t concentrate at all on the road as he drives to Richard’s apartment. He probably would crash to death sooner or later if he didn’t still know the route better than his own way to work. 

He’s spent a lot of time in Richard’s apartment back when they were still dating. He liked the place, with the white walls and the big windows. He used to feel at ease there, and he actually remembers considering moving in there for a while before- 

Fuck. Gavin tries to stop the thought before it can fester in his brain but of course it’s too fucking late. 

He stops in front of the building before he has a chance to actually crash his car. His eyes settle on Richard’s bike parked a few feet away. Gavin can feel the migraine coming already. 

He’s trying to think of an excuse not to go up there. He could drive back to Tina’s place to check on his cats, or maybe-

No. He’s had this coming for half a fucking year, he needs to deal with this now. Even if it means he’ll lose his mind. 

He gets out of the car, and walks over towards the building. 

Nothing inside has changed. Gavin feels like a fucking time traveler, walking up the same stairs to the same door again. 

Gavin stands outside the door to his ex boyfriend’s apartment for an eternity before he finally musters the strength to knock. It's too fucking familiar. 

He hasn't been to Richard’s place since the breakup, only ever seen him when visiting Connor and Hank. But still. This hurts.

He braces himself when he knocks, looking almost like he expects a physical attack. He flinches when the door opens and he stares into the face of-

Connor. Oh. 

Gavin blinks. 

‘Hello, Gavin,’ he greets, like Gavin just knocked on his door instead of his brother’s. ‘Uh,’ Gavin says, and clears his throat. ‘Hi’

When Connor doesn't move, he adds, ‘I’m here to-’ ‘I know why you're here,’ Connor interrupts him firmly. ‘That's why I'm here.’ 

When that doesn't seem to do anything to ease Gavin’s confusion, he adds, ‘I wanted to talk to you about that.’ 

‘Oh,’ Gavin says. He watches Connor step out of the apartment and close the door behind him. ‘Okay.’

They're alone now, in the hallway. Gavin eyes Connor. Maybe he wasn't very far off with the suspicion of an attack earlier. 

‘Is everything-,’ again, Gavin is interrupted by Connor saying, ‘I’m worried about my brother.’ 

Gavin stops breathing for one second, until Connor continues. Gavin notices something cold in Connor’s eyes - suddenly, he feels very small. 

‘I don't know why he said yes to your plan,’ he says the last word like it's something he needs to clean his mouth of, ‘but he did. I don't think- I know this won't be good for him - or you, for that matter - and I would like to ask you to take care of him for these next few days.’ 

Like so often in his life, Gavin is at a loss for words. But as always, he doesn't let it stop him. ‘You- are you saying you want me to… protect your brother?’ Connor’s brows furrow. ‘The past few months haven't been easy for him,’ he says, ignoring the guilty look appearing on Gavin’s face, ‘I simply don't want him to come back from this any worse than before. Just be careful with him,’ he raises a hand when Gavin tries to interrupt, ‘make sure he doesn't get hurt.’ He doesn't say  _ anymore than he already did _ but Gavin swears he can hear it. ‘I'm sure you understand what I mean,’ Connor says and Gavin nods. The message couldn't be any clearer. 

Connor is a diplomatic and understanding person. This still comes off as a warning, a threat.  _ Hurt my brother again and I will kill you. _ Gavin can't exactly blame him for it. 

‘Got it,’ Gavin says, and, ‘don't worry.’

‘Thank you,’ Connor says. His expression doesn't get any brighter when he turns away to knock on the door to Richard’s apartment. 

* * *

 

 

Richard’s first thought upon opening the door is that Gavin doesn’t look very good. He seems tired and low-spirited. He also avoids Richard’s eyes. 

The second thought is about the fact that Connor and Gavin have just spent the last five minutes outside his apartment, and that Richard has no idea what they were talking about. 

He tries to give Connor a glance to find some clue in his face, but his brother is ignoring him. He doesn’t look much happier than Gavin, though. Richard is worried but he pushes the thought aside. 

‘Gavin,’ he says, the name sounding strange on his tongue. It’s familiar but the context is new. Richard doesn’t like the way it feels, detached and careful. ‘Come in, please. I’m almost ready.’

Gavin mutters an ‘okay’, still not looking at Richard, and follows Connor inside. Richard notices him looking around restlessly, hands in the pockets of his jacket, before he leaves for his bedroom to get his bag. 

Connor follows him, of course. Richard resists the urge to roll his eyes. ‘Do you need anything else?’, Connor asks softly. Richard shakes his head. ‘I’ll be fine.’

He shoulders his bag and turns around to his brother. He wants to ask what he's said to Gavin outside his apartment but for some reason, he doesn’t. ‘I’ll call you when I’m back home.’

Connor nods. He puts a hand on Richard’s shoulder and his eyes seek his brother’s. ‘Call me when you need me.’ His voice is sincere and so desperately serious that, for the first time today, Richard actually smiles. ‘Don’t worry about me too much, Connor.’ He steps outside the bedroom to where Gavin still hasn’t moved. His eyes are fixed to the door. There’s no ache in Richard’s chest at the sight whatsoever. 

The three of them are silent as they leave the apartment and Richard locks the door behind them. 

When they leave the building Connor says good-bye, and Gavin and Richard watch him walk away until he is out of sight. They’re alone now. Gavin still hasn’t said a word to Richard. Richard doesn’t want him to. Richard can imagine Gavin’s inner monologue about keeping it together, getting this over with. And that’s fine. It really is. 

Richard isn’t sure what he expected but now he realises that Gavin hasn’t changed very much in the past six months. The bags under his eyes are still there (again, Richard thinks, not still. They’re there again), the way he avoids looking at Richard is familiar. It makes Richard feel… tired. He doesn’t say anything either.

The atmosphere changes ever so slightly once they’re in the car. Richard remembers this from before the breakup: driving usually helps Gavin to calm down; focusing his energy on something productive is good for him. He relaxes a little, and throws a glance towards Richard next to him. He clears his throat. 

‘So,’ he says carefully into the quiet car, ‘Connor seemed awfully upset.’ Richard hums. ‘I’m surprised he didn’t ask you to let him come with you to the wedding instead of me. I suppose he is very invested in Elijah’s relationship’. Gavin’s hum is almost a laugh. ‘Now I feel bad for just letting him fucking leave like that.’ 

Richard smiles, and everything feels a little easier.

* * *

 

 

Gavin’s childhood home never seems to change; it’s still the same red brick building in the same small street. He just assumes it’s going to be the Reed house for the rest of eternity. 

The sun is shining when Gavin parks the car and he is starting to feel a little more optimistic about this - he can’t believe he’s saying this, but some part of him has actually missed his family a little. 

They get out of the car. Richard doesn’t hurry to the house. He seems careful, uncomfortable. Gavin feels a pang of guilt at the sight. 

He nudges Richard with his elbow when they’re standing before the house and Gavin rings the doorbell. ‘No reason to be nervous, Nines,’ he immediately wants to fucking kick himself for using the old nickname but swallows every feeling that might come with it. ‘You know they love you.’ Richards nods absentmindedly. There’s the smallest hint of red in his cheeks that Gavin assumes comes from the cold. 

He doesn’t have time to think otherwise anyway because the next second the door flies open and he’s pulled into a rib-crushing hug. He doesn’t even realise it’s his mother until she lets go of him and starts gushing about how happy she is to see them. 

Richard’s small amused smile is quickly squeezed out of him as she goes to hug him next. 

‘Come in, come in, you must be so tired after the long drive,’ she ushers them inside and takes their jackets with an energy that Gavin himself hasn’t had in fifteen years. ‘We’re okay, Mom, it’s not that long of a drive,’ Gavin grumbles but still lets his mother maneuver him and Richard onto the couch as she rushes into the kitchen to make coffee. 

Next to him, Richard’s shoulders shake barely noticeable. Gavin, sharp like a real detective, is alarmed before he realises that he is stifling a laugh. 

‘What’s so damn funny to you?’, he murmurs, not really expecting an answer. He leans back into the couch. His eyes wander to the wall across from them. He snorts softly at the pictures the wall is covered in - both Elijah’s and Gavin’s teenage years are there, on embarrassing display for any guest to see. 

‘It’s nothing,’ Richard says. Gavin is so focused on memories of badly playing the guitar in his room as a teenager that he almost doesn’t hear him. ‘It’s just I had forgotten that it’s like this every time.’

Gavin swallows hard and doesn’t say anything to that. In the corner of his eye he can see Richard realising what he just said. He exhales once, and corrects himself. ‘Was like this every time.’

‘Yeah,’ Gavin rasps. ‘Right.’ He should say something else, to make this thing easier on Richard, but he is faster anyway. 

‘I’m sorry, Gavin, I didn’t mean to-’ He falls silent when Gavin’s mother walks back into the living room holding two mugs of coffee. 

Gavin clears his throat carefully. ‘What about you?’, he asks his mother and nods to the coffee. She shakes her head. ‘I had enough for today, believe me. Another cup and I’ll probably lose my mind.’ She chuckles and Gavin’s expression turns soft. ‘Are you excited?’ 

Gavin’s mother isn’t just excited. She’s glowing. ‘I’m happy for them,’ she almost coos, ‘I think we all know they’re perfect for each other. Chloe is so lovely.’

It makes Gavin smile. ‘How is Elijah?’, he asks. ‘Oh well, you know your brother. He acts like it’s no big deal, but I think he’s just as excited.’ She fingers with the tablecloth as she talks and looks into Gavin’s eyes. ‘He’s wanted this for a very long time, you know.’

Gavin swallows. It’s not meant to be one, but he still takes it as a threat. ‘Yeah,’ he says. He stares down into his coffee. He vaguely notices his mother changing the subject. He says nothing, just listens to his mother talk to the person next to him. 

‘Richard, how is that lovely brother of yours?’ 

‘He is fine. He just told me a while ago that he quite misses being here.’

Gavin perks up at this. ‘He did?’, he looks up at Richard. ‘Yes,’ Richard says simply. ‘He loved meeting your family. Especially-’ He interrupts himself, and Gavin follows his eyes to the living room door where a grinning figure is standing. Richard smiles; it’s not a subtle and polite smile, it’s an actual smile. Gavin’s chest aches with something nameless. 

‘I thought I heard somebody,’ the figure, a woman, says. She walks in. 

Leigh is tall and loud; just a year older than him, and the only person in Gavin’s family where no reconciliation was necessary. 

‘I didn’t know you were here already.’ Gavin gets up to hug his cousin but she also seems a lot more interested in greeting Richard properly. ‘Me and mum are crashing in Elijah’s old room before the wedding,’ she explains after throwing herself onto the couch next to Richard. 

‘It’s been a while. What have you been up to?’

Gavin answers questions that are shot his way uneasily and clings to his coffee like it’s a fucking lifeline. Richard on the other hand, is somehow a professional at this. Gavin remembers the first time Richard and Leigh met. Gavin had been nervous as hell, and Leigh had been more than a little wary of Richard (for which Gavin couldn’t exactly blame her; he had had a lot of shitty boyfriends in the past). Gavin knows exactly what an interrogation looks like, and that conversation definitely had been one. Still, Richard had been charming and calm and grounding as always, breaking the ice effortlessly. 

Even now, following the conversation Richard has with his mother relaxes Gavin. He leans back and watches the subtle movement of Richard’s expressions. His eyes get caught on the sweater Richard is wearing. It’s one of the black turtlenecks Gavin used to hate back when Richard was nothing but Connor’s terrifying little brother. It’s so simple and yet it’s so distinctively Richard, it’s-

Gavin tears his eyes away. It’s already bad enough that he is sitting on his mother’s couch with his ridiculously pretty ex boyfriend lying through his teeth, he doesn’t need to think about what a lonely mess he is. This is bad enough already. 

Gavin watches his mother and his cousin adore the man he’s no longer in a relationship with, and yearns for a drink every time their shoulders brush together, ever so casually. 

 

The day passes into the afternoon, passes into the evening. Now, Gavin and his mother are clearing away the rests of their dinner while Richard and Leigh are in the living room. Gavin can hear their indistinctive voices. It’s a calm, sleepy atmosphere. It feels… good, almost.

‘Are you okay, Gavin?’, his mother asks softly. Gavin looks over to her from where he’s sitting on the counter. ‘You seemed a little distracted all day.’ Gavin smiles a tired smile. ‘I’m fine, Mom.’

Of course it’s not enough to make her drop it. She nods, and smiles at him, but she still keeps talking. ‘I was just wondering,’ she says carefully. She’s moving onto thin ice now, both her and Gavin know it. Gavin hates this; he hates that his mother has to be this careful with him, like he might explode any second, he hates that some part of him is already getting angry. He stares down at his hands. For the first time since the breakup, he feels himself craving a cigarette. ‘Is everything alright between you and Richard, honey?’ 

Gavin looks up to her now. There is nothing dangerous in her face. Gavin assumes his face tells a whole different story. 

Gavin clears his throat. He’s afraid of the sound his voice might make but he speaks anyway. ‘What makes you say that?’ His heart is speeding up. ‘Nothing in particular, really, I was just wondering. I haven’t heard of you two in a while and you seemed… quiet, today. I’m just worried.’

Gavin looks in the open, caring face of his mother. For a moment, he considers telling his mother everything. What is the worst that could happen? Gavin could just tell her and nobody else had to know. That Richard and him weren’t alright. That Richard and him haven’t been anything for months. That Gavin doesn’t understand why Richard is  _ here _ , lying to his family despite everything Gavin has  _ said _ . And that Gavin misses him and that it gets worse every time he looks at him. He could just say it, it’s already there on his tongue-

He hears Leigh in the living room, laughing wholeheartedly at something Richard just said. His head jolts to the direction of the sound. He takes a breath. 

‘We’re good, Mom,’ he says, and smiles at her. This time it’s actually convincing. ‘Promise.’ 

His mother nods, satisfied. ‘That’s good.’ She turns away from him to turn on the dishwasher. ‘You know, I know we’re here for Elijah’s wedding and that’s fine of course, but I want you to know that I’m happy for you. Seriously.’ 

Gavin’s smile is much closer to a grimace but his mother can’t see it anyway. ‘Thanks.’

And then they say goodnight and they part ways and then there is a whole new problem Gavin and Richard have to face. 

‘Fuck,’ Gavin mutters, standing in the doorway of his old bedroom. His arms are crossed over his chest. ‘I don’t know what exactly you were expecting,’ Richard says. The way he moves around the room is way too smooth, way too collected. It sets Gavin on edge. 

‘Listen,’ Gavin says firmly, ‘you don’t have to do this, I’m sure there’s a way-’ ‘That wouldn’t make sense, though, Gavin,’ Richard interrupts. ‘This has never been an issue for us when we were a couple. It would only be suspicious.’

‘Fuck’s sake,’ Gavin grumbles, ‘I know that, Richard, but-’ 

‘Look,’ Richard has a look at the bed in the middle of the room, ‘it's fine. I don't mind.’ He pauses, and then he finally has the decency to look uncomfortable. ‘Unless you do, in which case I'm sure we can figure something-’ ‘No,’ Gavin moves away from the door and sits down on one side of the bed. ‘I don't, it's fine by me, it's just-’ he sighs. He's very tired and he doesn't want to think about any of this. ‘I'm sorry,’ he says and gestures vaguely into the room. ‘About this. I know this is- it's not- I'm sorry.’ He thinks about all the things he should also be apologising for but instead of saying anything else, he just shuts his mouth. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Richard slowly sitting down on the other side of the bed. His palm is lying on bed sheets, ghostly and familiar at the same time.

‘It's fine,’ he nearly whispers. Gavin moves to look at him in the half dark of the room. He is just as gorgeous as every time Gavin has made the mistake of taking a glance but now there’s something else to this. A vulnerability that makes Gavin ache. His face is open in a way that makes him  _ beautiful _ , and Gavin has to look away from him. Richard clears his throat. ‘It's not like I didn't think about what I should be expecting, saying yes to this,’ he adds. Gavin actually snorts. ‘Oh, you mean, unlike me?’ ‘That's not what I said.’ ‘Yeah, right.’

Gavin is thinking of saying thank you then. The words are right there between them on the bed but Gavin can't bring himself to say them out loud. 

That night, for the first time in six months Gavin doesn't sleep by himself. With Richard as a breathing, living being next to him, radiating warmth and distance at the same time, Gavin doesn't dare shift or move the entire night. He just stares at the ceiling and thinks about the nights he and Richard have spent in this room before.

 

* * *

 

 

_ ‘Come on, you can't seriously still be finding new stuff. Haven't you seen it all by now?’  _

_ ‘It's nearly two decades of your life, Gavin. It's a lot to take in all at once’.’ _

_ ‘Nines,’ Gavin whines. ‘ _ Please.  _ Isn't it embarrassing enough that we have to sleep in this room? Do you have to enjoy it this much, too?’  _

_ Richard smiles at the posters on Gavin’s wall. He does enjoy this, probably way too much. Gavin’s reactions alone are enough to make him not want to stop already. His reaction, and maybe also the sound of that pet name on his lips. _

_ ‘Don't be so dramatic,’ he says, not turning around to Gavin but moving on to the next wall, the one over his old desk. ‘You've listened to way too many of Connor’s stories for my tastes. This is only fair.’  _

_ The wall is covered in pictures. Only a few of them are of Gavin, but Richard still recognises somebody else still.  _

_ Gavin appears next to him. ‘Those stories were harmless and adorable,’ he grumbles. His eyes follow Richard’s fingers warily as he reaches out to touch one of the pictures on the wall.  _

_ The young teenage boy in the picture is unmistakably Gavin, with a wide grin and without the scar on his nose Richard is so familiar with. Richard thinks he might recognise the girl next to him, too. _

_ ‘Is that-’ _

_ ‘Tina,’ Gavin nods. ‘Met her in senior year. She almost beat me up the first day, actually. Friendship for the fucking history books.’  _

_ The fondness in his voice is unbearably soft.  _

_ Richard lets out the tiniest laugh. ‘You're wrong.’ He turns to face him and runs his fingers through Gavin’s hair. ‘This is _ very  _ adorable.’ _

_ The following scoff loses some of its effect with the way Gavin leans into Richard’s touch. ‘Shut up.’ _

_ He takes Richard’s hand and pulls him towards the bed. ‘Come on already, I'm fucking tired.’ _

_ Richard still has a thousand questions on his tongue. He wants to know about the music Gavin used to listen to, the things he and Tina used to do together. He wants to learn everything there is to learn about Gavin Reed. Still, he surrenders, and lets Gavin pull him closer, his arms wrapped around his waist when they're in Gavin’s bed.  _

_ ‘So,’ Gavin mutters against Richard’s neck. ‘Which of these stories is your favourite?’  _

_ ‘What do you mean?’ _

_ ‘I mean- you've heard all kinds of things today. My mother went off about what I was like when I was born, and then Leigh with all the teenage shit, and Elijah-’  _

_ His fingers are drawing circles on Richard’s chest as he speaks. ‘Which version did you like best?’  _

_ ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ Richard smiles. He takes one of Gavin’s hands in his and presses a kiss to his palm, and another, and another. ‘I think I really like this one.’ _

_ Gavin snorts. ‘I swear to God, Nines.’ He nestles closer into Richard and kisses his neck. Richard turns to him so he is face to face with Gavin. He is smiling. ‘You’re such a fucking sap.’  _

I'm proud of you for being here,  _ Richard thinks. He doesn't say it just yet. The words don't belong here, in the vulnerability of Gavin’s teenage bedroom. He's going to say them when they're on their way home, when Gavin is driving and his shoulders are relaxed. Gavin will laugh and avoid Richard’s eyes and tell him to shut up. But there will be colour in his cheeks, and a smile he tries to conceal.  _

_ For now, Richard just kisses Gavin, once, twice, and he holds him tight and feels his breath on his face and he falls asleep easily.  _

 

* * *

 

 

‘God fucking dammit.’ 

Gavin is on edge. The entire house is on edge, actually. Gavin’s mother, determined to make her son’s wedding go as smooth and perfectly as possible, has made sure everybody got up along with the fucking sun. It doesn't help that Gavin hasn't exactly slept well. Richard’s breathing had been way too distracting. 

Breakfast has been rushed and quiet. With both Leigh and Gavin still half asleep, only Richard and Gavin’s mother have had the energy to keep something close to a conversation alive. 

Now Gavin is standing in front of the mirror in his teenage bedroom and he's going to fucking die. 

It's funny, almost. His brother is getting married in a few hours. His brother who he is only talking to in the first place because of his ex-boyfriend. His ex-boyfriend who is also here, pretending to be still in a relationship with Gavin because Gavin was too much of a bitch to tell his family about his breakup half a year ago.

And despite all of that, it's his tie that is finally going to do the honours and kill him. 

‘Jesus fucking christ.’ Gavin tries tying it again but it's like his hands have forgotten how to function properly altogether. 

Gavin isn't getting angry, seriously. He's just going to bash the fucking mirror in with his fist if he doesn't get this stupid tie right the next time. 

‘Do you need some help with that?’ Gavin takes a sharp breath and forces himself to stay calm. ‘No, I-’ He turns around to Richard and forgets whatever it was he was going to say.

Somehow, in between sharing a bed with him and staring at him the entire time during dinner along with forcing himself not to stare at him during their drive the day before, he's forgotten that Richard looks- well. Like that. 

He's wearing a dark suit, and it looks way too good on him. His long legs and lithe arms surely exist solely to torture Gavin during every single one of his waking moments. His brain, unhelpful as always, delivers countless memories of Gavin complaining about it to Tina, sober as well as drunk. 

Gavin deflates and looks away. ‘Yeah, I guess,’ he mutters, still fumbling with his tie. 

He turns back to the mirror and watches Richard come closer until he is directly behind him. 

Slim fingers brush Gavin’s chest as they reach for his tie. Gavin prays to any God he can think of that Richard won't notice the colour appearing on his cheeks. He keeps staring at Richard’s fingers and doesn't dare to fucking breathe. Instead, he feels Richard’s breath tingling in his neck. 

They haven't been this close in months and to Gavin, that fact seems to sit between them like a brick wall. He tries to lean into that feeling, the sensation of over, of done, of strangers. But Richard is warm and it's not working. 

‘Are you nervous?’, Richard asks softly. Gavin almost laughs at that. ‘Yeah.’ 

What's the point in lying? Gavin feels like he's dangling over a cliff, seconds away from falling. His breathing is shaky. 

‘Don't be.’ Richard is done with the tie, his hands now resting on Gavin’s shoulders. His voice is firm. ‘I'll be with you for the whole time.’

Gavin's eyes wander up to the reflection of Richard's open, sincere face. He feels the sudden urge to grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he comes to his fucking senses again.  _ Why,  _ he wants to ask,  _ why are you doing this? _

_ Why are you so good to me. _

Gavin doesn't do any of these things. His voice feels like sandpaper when instead he says ‘yeah’, and then, so quiet barely hears it himself, ‘thanks’. 

 

The wedding takes place in a barn an hour-long drive away from the city. It’s sunny and beautiful and perfect. Gavin is almost completely sure that Chloe has chosen it. 

Walking around with Richard and his mother is like traveling back through time. He shakes the hands of relatives he hasn’t seen in years, people he went to high school with. Most people give Gavin a surprised look. If it’s because of the fact he introduces them to his boyfriend or because of the fact that his boyfriend is the most attractive person at this entire goddamn wedding, Gavin can’t say. 

Ah, wait. His ex boyfriend. Right. 

He still sort of enjoys it, especially when they come to greet another ex boyfriend from Gavin’s high school days that Richard also recognises. His icy smile and apparently bone-crushing handshake put a smile on Gavin’s face that stays there for almost twenty fucking minutes. 

Gavin also manages to have a very short conversation with Elijah before the ceremony. He’s gorgeous like this; all dressed up and glowing with happiness. It makes Gavin’s stomach turn, especially standing next to Richard close enough for them to touch. But Gavin is happy for Elijah. And the rest doesn’t really matter. 

Elijah’s embrace is tight enough to suffocate Gavin and in the heat of the moment he even hugs Richard. Not having expected it, it puts an expression on Richard’s face that Gavin is probably going to be thinking about for the next few hours. 

‘That didn’t go so bad,’ Gavin muses, more to himself than anyone else, after Elijah has left in a blissful hurry. ‘Yes, I suppose it didn’t,’ Richard mutters. Gavin has a look at him and grins despite himself. ‘Fuck Nines, you okay? You look like a fucking ghost.’ 

‘I’m fine,’ Richard says just a little too quickly. Gavin probably wouldn’t notice if he didn’t know Richard for so long. And if it wasn’t for the way he avoids Gavin’s eyes for a second. ‘I was just surprised is all.’ 

‘Yeah, well, welcome to the club.’ Gavin scans the crowd for Elijah’s face but he can’t find him anywhere. 

If this was his wedding and not Elijah’s, Gavin thinks to himself a while later, things surely wouldn’t be going this smoothly. He has so much potential for catastrophe inside him he’s surprised nothing has gone wrong simply because he’s here. But things are going very well. His mother has nothing to complain about, really. 

And then Gavin and Richard are sitting down, surrounded by Gavin’s family. Leigh is next to them and Gavin allows himself to feel happy for a few moments. 

And then the ceremony begins and his throat gets awfully tight. 

Gavin isn’t usually the type to get emotionally at weddings. Usually he is the type to get drunk and leave early. But there’s Chloe, the kindest person Gavin can possibly imagine and his brother is looking at her with such affection and Gavin can’t breathe. 

Later, Gavin barely remembers anything about the vows. He just remembers sitting there, his entire body tense until the moment Richard takes his hand and squeezes. 

He has a look at Richard next to him. He looks at Gavin, the pathetic mess, and actually, seriously  _ smiles _ at him.

Gavin looks away. But he feels himself relax a little anyway.

 

After the ceremony, things begin to settle down a little for Gavin. Him and Richard share a table with a few of Elijah’s friends from his college days. He assumes it’s a calculated move - putting Gavin next to people that don't know him very well, instead of family members he's distanced to or high school friends of his brother that he never really got along with. Gavin wasn't very popular in high school. And shaking hands, he supposes, is very different from sharing a meal, according to his brother at least.

The awkwardness between them and these people is simple, and polite, and the only hard feelings around are those between Gavin and Richard that nobody but them knows anything about.

Gavin is mostly quiet for the first few minutes, stares over to Elijah’s and Chloe’s table and barely listens to Richard’s conversation with the rest of his table. 

He only starts paying real attention when he hears Richard say his name. He perks up and notices the rest, all these nice, educated people staring at him. He tries a smile. 

‘So,’ a woman that Gavin knows from pictures in Elijah’s apartment but whose name he can't remember for the life of him starts with a smile, ‘how did you two meet?’ 

It takes a second before Gavin even understands the question. The penny drops eventually; right. Him and Richard. The couple. They.

Gavin shrugs casually and leans back. ‘It was kind of a friend of a friend of a friend situation, I guess.’ Richard smiles at that. He's quiet, giving Gavin the lead. 

‘My partner - from work, I mean - somehow ended up dating Richard’s brother,’ Gavin smiles at the memory of Connor, so eager to make a good impression with Gavin for a reason nobody else would understand. 

‘And because my partner and I work pretty closely together most of the time, he  _ really _ wanted to be on good terms with me.’ He shakes his head fondly. ‘Wasn't exactly necessary in the first place, really - even if I hadn't liked him, Hank - my partner - definitely wouldn't have given a shit anyway.’

Richard chuckles. ‘My brother’s very thorough, you know,’ he adds. Gavin nods. ‘But whatever, I  _ did _ like him - we’re pretty good friends now actually.’ He feels a little nauseous at the memory of Connor closing the door to Richard’s apartment yesterday with that distanced look in his eyes. ‘And he ended up just sort of introducing Richard to me. There were no deeper intentions or anything, it just happened. I mean, I think there weren’t,’ he adds with a look to Richard. 

‘I don't think he could have predicted what happened if he tried.’ Richard’s fond expression is so believable that Gavin sort of manages to relax into the conversation. When Richard reaches for his hand, he takes it without even hesitating. It's… easy. Simple. There’s no questions asked.

‘Well,’ he scores, believable like a real professional, ‘I guess I couldn't have either.’ 

There's a vague aww from the table that Gavin almost enjoys a little. 

‘I've heard some great stories about you two from Elijah,’ someone else comments. Gavin smiles a lopsided smile. ‘Oh god no,’ he grins. ‘What did he tell you?’ 

There's laughter, and a teasing answer, and Gavin is really, seriously sitting with strangers at his brother’s wedding, being somewhat charming. Richard’s influence is downright fucking creepy at this point. 

After that, a comfortable silence sets in on the table. Everybody watches the blissful freshly married couple a few feet away. 

Elijah is whispering something in Chloe’s ear that she laughs at. They sit together so closely that two chairs seem way too excessive for them. Gavin takes a sip of his champagne; he's proud of his brother, and he's glad to be here. 

Richard leans in more closely to him and mutters something, still just loud enough for the people around them to hear. 

‘You know,’ he says innocently, ‘this comes quite close to what I used to imagine our wedding would look like.’

Gavin chokes on his champagne. When he is able to breathe properly again and the coughing fit is over, his face is a deep shade of red. ‘Jesus fuck, Nines,’ he wheezes. ‘You can't just tell me stuff like that without a warning.’

Gavin doesn't even have time to process what Richard just told him because the others are already chuckling at the adorable couple before them, embarrassing each other with their sweetness. Before the day is over, this asshole is going to kill him. 

‘Nines?’, someone asks, ‘where does that come from?’ 

Fuck. Gavin wasn't planning on using that pet name again. He fumbles around with his napkin like an idiot and lets Richard start with the explaining. 

‘When Connor - my brother, my twin, actually - introduced us for the first time, things were a little confusing for Gavin.’ Gavin rolls his eyes at Richard’s self-satisfied smile. 

‘Yeah, because you guys literally have the same fucking face. Don’t make it sound like I’m some kind of moron.’

‘Well, the first actual conversation we had back then was when Gavin asked me for any advice to keep us apart properly,’ Richard continues. Again, Gavin interrupts him. 

‘And instead of telling me something useful like, I don't know, the fact that Richard is taller or that their eye colours are different, this guy looks me straight into the eyes and tells me about how  _ he's nine minutes younger than Connor _ .’ 

Gavin's delivery of the memory makes the people laugh - including Richard. But his laughter is so subtle and quiet it is lost amongst all the others. Gavin almost leans in to follow the sound. Almost.

‘And then,’ Richard continues, ‘for some reason, Gavin latched on to that. He kept calling me ‘the one that's nine minutes younger’ or other very creative versions of that. After a while, it simply became Nines. And it stuck. For him, at least.’ Now Richard glances at his hands. ‘No one else calls me that.’

Gavin guesses it must be strange for Richard, being called this name again after so many months of simply ‘Richard’. He avoided using it when they would meet through Connor. He suddenly feels like it’s crossing a line, like he should apologise for it now. 

‘Still don't understand why you thought telling me that would be a good idea in the first place.’ Gavin nudges Richard with his elbow and Richard leans into him, just slightly, and just for a second. 

‘Tell me, Gavin,’ he says then, this time in a discreet way that signals the people on the table that he's talking to Gavin only. ‘When you came to pick me up, did Connor by any chance say anything to you?’ 

Gavin eyes Richard carefully. There's something in his voice, in his face that Gavin isn't exactly used to. He seems insecure, careful, like he doesn't really want to know the answer but can't just let it go either. 

Gavin tries to smile in a reassuring way. ‘There wasn't much, really. He just told me he would kill me if you came back harmed in any way. I mean, it's Connor,’ he adds when Richard frowns. ‘He didn't actually say any of it. But the message was very clear. Classic shovel talk.’

‘Shovel talk,’ Richard mutters before the smallest smile appears on his face. ‘I've experienced one of these before as well, I think.’ 

Now it's Gavin’s turn to frown. ‘You have? When?’, he asks. Richard’s smile grows wider when he realises Gavin doesn't know this story. 

‘Ages ago, back when we had just started dating. I went to the precinct to pick you up. I guess I was early, though - when I got there, you weren't there. Neither was Hank.’

Gavin tries to remember an occasion like the one Richard is talking about. But his mind is blank. 

‘Tina was, though. I actually think it was the first time we ever met. I heard a lot about her, and she about me, I suppose. She told me you were still out at a crime scene, and asked me if I had time for a few words.’

‘Oh no,’ Gavin can't help but grin. ‘She must've scared you to fucking death.’

‘That she did. Took me to one of the interrogation rooms. She asked me what I thought of you. She expected very thorough answers. It was an evaluation, I guess.’ 

‘Did you pass?’ 

‘I think I did. After that, she must have decided to trust me somewhat. She told me about a lot of your ex boyfriends then. She stressed that all of them were terrible partners and she regretted not having that very conversation with them before they managed to hurt you.’

Gavin isn't smiling anymore. 

‘In the end, she said that if something happened to you, she would find out. She  _ did  _ say if she found out I fucked up, she would kill me. She said since she's a cop she could get away with it easily.’

‘Jesus fuck, Tina,’ Gavin sighs. Richard smiles. ‘She is very protective.’ 

‘Way too fucking dramatic is what she is’. Gavin shakes his head. ‘I'm gonna kill her.’ 

‘You probably shouldn't,’ Richard says. ‘I did promise her not to tell you about this. I just thought it wouldn't really matter now that-’

He stops right there, and again, both of them remember who they are, and what is actually going on between them. 

‘Yeah,’ Gavin says, ‘suppose there's no point keeping that a secret anymore.’

For a bitter moment, Gavin wonders if Tina will add Richard to the list to scare Gavin’s next… whatever. He dismisses the idea, and suddenly feels the need to say that out loud. 

‘Just so you know, if you ran into Tina anytime in the future, she wouldn't kill you or whatever. She likes you, and,’ the next part of that is the most honesty Gavin has had to muster in the past few days and he has to take a deep breath before the words leave his mouth, ‘she knows that this wasn't your fault. Don't worry.’ 

The way Richard looks at him makes Gavin think he understands what he means. He nods ever so slightly. 

They’re on thin ice now. Gavin has said some of what he needed to say six months ago, and now he wants to do nothing but end this conversation before anything else happens. 

‘The same is true for Connor,’ Richard says now. ‘I… he doesn’t exactly know what happened in full detail,’ and Gavin feels an emotion that’s a terrible mix of grateful and upset at this, ‘and I think he is still somewhat disappointed.’ He chuckles and Gavin just  _ aches _ . ‘But he’s not blaming you for anything. If he is, I will make sure of that.’

Gavin snorts. ‘Don’t make me worry about him.’

They sit in silence then and listen to the conversations from the other side of the table. Gavin’s eyes wander to Elijah and he thinks of the ceremony, and his brother’s happiness and he thinks about his empty apartment and the way Tina looked at him and the way Connor looked at him and the way his mother looked at him and-

Then he is taking Richard’s hand into his, squeezes it, and doesn’t let go of it again. 

‘I don’t really understand why you’re here at all,’ he mutters, barely audible, ‘but I’m glad you are.’

Richard looks down on their hands. His thumb is drawing circles on the back of Gavin’s hand. He’s smiling softly. ‘I don’t think I understand either,’ he says, ‘but I’m also happy to be doing it.’ 

Gavin clears his throat. He feels like he just ran an entire marathon. He hates that Richard still looks completely unfazed and gorgeous. It’s not fair. 

Gavin wants to let go of Richard’s hand and not want to reach out again. But he doesn’t. He keeps sitting where he’s sitting, dangerously close to Richard, listens to the music and sounds around him and he tries to seem like he’s in love and like he isn’t at the same time. 

 

Then, a little while later, it’s already time for the first dance. Gavin and Richard end up sitting aside with Gavin’s mother. At the sight of Elijah and Chloe, she grips Gavin’s hand so tightly it hurts. When Gavin looks at her, she’s crying. He squeezes her hand, and she leans into him. 

It feels very odd, but so does watching his brother dance with his bride and him, Gavin, being nothing but proud of and happy for him. 

‘A few years ago, I wasn’t sure if it would be like this someday,’ she says to Gavin as they both watch Elijah and Chloe swaying on the dance floor. ‘What do you mean?’, he asks. He has an idea what she is going to say. Premature guilt is already blooming in his chest. 

‘I wasn’t sure - if Elijah ever got married or you got married - if we’d all be together, you know?’

‘Yeah,’ Gavin mutters. He looks away from Elijah. His eyes fall on Richard next to him. He looks away from him as well.

His mother turns to face him. She’s smiling. ‘I never wanted to do this without you. Elijah didn’t either. We’re both happy you’re here.’ 

Gavin swallows heavily. With the music and the humming of the people around him, his whispered answer is barely audible. ‘Thanks, mom.’

She squeezes his hand again. Then, they sit in silence until something starts festering in Gavin’s brain like an infected wound, a familiar feeling, and he feels the need to say it out loud again. 

‘But, you know, I probably wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for Richard.’ 

His mother frowns at this. She puts a hand on his arm and her eyes shift back to Elijah. 

‘I know that’s how you see it, and I’m grateful to Richard for what he’s done, but Gavin,’ she squeezes his arm and there’s something urgent in her voice, ‘you are the most stubborn person I know; even Richard wouldn’t have been able to convince you do to this if you hadn’t wanted this yourself at least a little.’ 

Gavin doesn’t say anything to that. Apparently, he isn’t expected to because his mother doesn’t press him or say anything else to throw him off balance. 

Eventually, Elijah and Chloe are replaced by other couples. Leigh walks over and snatches Richard away to introduce him to some of her friends, Chloe and Gavin’s mother end up in a conversation with Chloe’s parents, and now the only ones left sitting are Gavin and Elijah. 

‘So, what do you think?’ Elijah’s arms are crossed over his chest. He's grinning. 

‘It's a pretty good party, alright,’ Gavin snorts. They're standing close enough for their elbows to touch. Gavin finds he likes it - it's easy. He has a look over the room where Leigh and Richard are standing. Leigh is laughing while Richard’s lips wear the most subtle smile. Not for the first time today, Gavin wants to walk over to him and kiss those stupid fucking lips. 

‘Seriously though,’ he says instead, nudging Elijah. ‘Congratulations, Eli. You're really fucking lucky, you know.’

‘Yeah.’ Elijah is looking at Chloe with a smile that Gavin isn't used to seeing at all. ‘I know I am.’ 

Elijah is a little taller than Gavin and when he leans in Gavin has to look up to face him. ‘Who knows, maybe you're next.’

Gavin laughs at that, even though it doesn't make him feel like laughing very much. ‘Yeah right,’ he snorts, ‘I better hurry, or all of our other brothers are gonna gain on me.’ 

Elijah chuckles. ‘I like him a lot, you know.’ Now they're both looking at Richard again. 

‘Yeah, well.’ Gavin’s voice is rough when he speaks. ‘Me too.’ 

They just stand like that in silence until Elijah snorts softly.

‘Oh look,’ he says, ‘speaking of.’

‘Oh shit,’ Gavin grins worriedly. ‘He sure looks determined.’

Richard is walking towards them steadily. 

‘This better not have anything to do with me,’ Elijah mutters. 

‘We should be afraid,’ Gavin muses. ‘Who knows what Leigh fucking told him about you. She's known you your entire life.’ 

‘You too, Gavin, you know,’ Elijah grins. ‘And I'm not even his boyfriend.’ 

‘Yeah, yeah, what the fuck ever.’ There's red on Gavin’s cheeks but he's smiling. 

‘Elijah, congratulations, I'm very happy for you,’ Richard smiles when he’s before them. He's way too charming. It isn't fair. 

Elijah chuckles. ‘Thank you, Richard. I'm glad to see you here.’ 

Richard nods, and then turns to Gavin. ‘Would you like to dance?’ 

Gavin blinks. Richard’s delivery of the question seems ever so slightly sloppy, clumsy. It's barely noticeable; Elijah for example doesn't seem to notice anything out of the order. 

‘You want me to dance?’, Gavin asks with a grin. ‘Me? You sure about that?’ 

Richard’s expression doesn't falter. ‘I do,’ he says. His hand is reaching out to Gavin. Before he can think about this and come to a logical conclusion, he's already taking Richard’s hand and walking onto the dance floor with him. He can feel Elijah’s eyes on them the entire time. 

Gavin quickly realises that this was a bad idea when Richard puts his hands on his waist. He reaches for his shoulders, eyes on Richard’s chest and nowhere else. 

Richard is warm, and soft, and very close. 

‘So,’ Gavin says, and clears his throat, ‘are you doing okay?’ The question is just as dumb as it sounds. Gavin wants to punch himself but Richard chuckles at it. He fucking  _ chuckles _ . 

‘Yes, I'm fine,’ he answers with a soft smile. ‘I'm actually enjoying this a little. I quite like your family.’

He keeps saying these things, Gavin thinks to himself. Even back when they were still dating, Gavin could never understand why. No one had ever talked to Gavin the way Richard had talked to him. Gavin hated it, but not as much as he hated never knowing how to respond to it properly, return some of it. 

Gavin shakes his head internally. Even now, the familiar thought is popping up. He doesn't deserve Richard. 

‘What about you?’ 

‘Huh?’ Gavin nearly flinches when he's pulled away from his thoughts. He looks up into Richard’s gorgeous blue eyes. God, he's so fucked. 

‘How are you?’ 

‘Oh.’ Gavin nods shortly. ‘Yeah, sure, whatever. I'm great.’ 

He takes a deep breath and throws a glance at Elijah. ‘I guess it's going well, too. You're not too bad at this, actually.’

Richard looks at him with amused eyes. ‘You're not either.’ 

Gavin chuckles. So this is what his life has come to. 

Richard is a really good dancer, though. Gavin doesn't think they've done anything like that when they were still together. Still, it feels way too comfortable. Gavin wants to lean in closer. 

He knows that he's completely lost his mind when he realises Richard is staring down at his lips. He knows it's bullshit, he's imagining things simply because he's lonely, and desperate, and slow dancing. 

At least, that's what he thinks until Richard actually leans in. When their lips meet he's stopped thinking altogether. 

Gavin shouldn't. He shouldn't, he  _ knows _ that but his arms are around Richard’s neck before he can stop himself anyway and Richard’s pulling him closer and Gavin relaxes into the kiss. 

It's still the same as all those months ago. Richard is still… Richard. Gavin wishes he was different. If he had changed, Gavin wouldn't be kissing him right now, clinging to him like holding on to dear life. It's bad, and it's definitely crossing the line. But it feels right, somehow, in a way that just makes everything worse. 

Richard pulls back eventually. Gavin has to stop himself from leaning in to close the distance between them all over again. Richard is avoiding Gavin’s eyes. Gavin tries his best not to look at Elijah, or Leigh, or his mother. 

Like nothing happened, Richard and Gavin keep dancing. Gavin has his hands on Richard’s shoulder. Richard’s hands are around Gavin’s waist. 

They don't speak again until they've left the dancefloor, and even then, they spend the rest of the wedding mostly in silence. 

 

* * *

 

 

Richard is looking down at his phone. Apparently in the hours the wedding has taken, Connor has texted him more often than he usually does in an entire week. 

Richard shakes his head and sighs as he scrolls through the messages from his worried brother. He seems to be expecting something that Richard is not going to offer. 

‘Everything okay?’ Gavin’s voice is hoarse. He’s sitting on the other side of the bed, his back to Richard’s. Richard nods, and because he realises Gavin can’t see him, he adds, ‘It’s just Connor. He’s… curious about how things went today.’

Richard texts Connor ‘I’m fine.’ and ‘I’ll call you tomorrow.’ before putting his phone aside. He can hear Gavin shift like he’s uncomfortable. ‘And?’

‘And what?’

‘What’d you tell him? How did it go?’ 

Richard turns around to Gavin. He still has his back to Richard. ‘It went well, I suppose,’ Richard says. ‘No one suspected anything, so ‘mission accomplished’, as Connor would say.’

Gavin snorts. 

When they are both sitting on the bed next to each other, Richard speaks without looking at Gavin. He stares at his hands instead and pretends the next words are somehow easy for him. 

‘I’m sorry I kissed you, Gavin’. 

Gavin’s head jerks in his direction to look at Richard. Richard doesn’t move. ‘What the fuck is there to be sorry for, Nines?’, Gavin asks. ‘You just said it went well, so good job. Mission fucking accomplished.’ Richard knows this specific tone of Gavin’s voice so well it hurts. 

‘Still, given the circumstances I should have asked you first.’ The guilt inside Richard feels like it might just swallow him whole. He looks up at Gavin. His face is nearly unreadable but Richard can see something in it that just makes everything worse. 

Gavin seems worried. 

‘Jesus fuck Nines,’ he says with a voice that’s almost soft. ‘How many people do you know that ask their boyfriends for permission before kissing them?’ 

Richard doesn’t say anything to that. He doesn’t even mention all the times in their relationship when Richard had a finger on Gavin’s chin with hesitant eyes. He used to like the way a simple question would get Gavin flustered and soft. 

Richard can almost hear Gavin’s thoughts as soon as the lights are out. It’s mostly because Richard’s are probably exactly mirroring them. 

They’re both very tired. They both had a long day full of memories that are way too uncomfortable and also painfully comfortable at the same time. Richard has held Gavin’s hand for nearly twenty minutes. Richard has kissed Gavin. There are not many lines left to cross, now. 

There’s no discussion when Richard pulls Gavin to his chest. The tension in Gavin’s body bleeds out of him slowly when Richard starts running his fingers through his hair. Gavin reaches for Richard’s other hand. He pulls it up from his chest to his lips. Richard’s breath stops when he thinks Gavin’s going to kiss his hand, but nothing of the sort happens. 

‘I’m starting to think it was a pretty bad idea to bring you along, Nines,’ Gavin whispers into Richard’s hand. He sounds tired, and small, and fragile. Richard pulls him closer. ‘I think you might be right,’ he mutters. 

To Richard, there’s something terrifying about holding Gavin like this, like before. 

Richard has been trying, for the entire day, to observe and analyse Gavin to find all of the ways he’s changed in the past six months. He’s been trying to find all the small ways he’s another, a different person now. 

But even after half a year, Gavin is still exactly Gavin. The way he looks at Richard, the way his eyes soften unwillingly whenever Richard touches him. And the way he’s now relaxing against Richard’s chest, breathing evenly and asleep in a peaceful way that’s so different from what the rest of the world sees. 

Richard has tried constantly to convince himself that Gavin is different now from the man he’s spent six months missing. That Gavin is somebody else now, somebody that Richard isn’t in love with anymore. 

Except Gavin hasn’t changed at all, not one bit. He’s still Gavin, exactly like Richard remembers him, and Richard is still in love with him. 

The thought is setting in for Richard with a terrible heaviness. He lies awake for hours before he’s finally asleep, his fingers still in Gavin’s hair. 

 

* * *

 

__

_ It's cold in Richard’s apartment. Richard is sitting on the windowsill; it's long gone dark outside.  _

_ The silence is deafening. Richard can't help but wish Gavin was still here, pacing the floor, furious. Gavin's voice between these walls, even saying those terrible things, is much easier to bear than this silence.  _

_ Richard feels heavy, buried alive beneath it. He keeps replaying sentences in his head, over and over.  _

‘I don't understand, Gavin.’

_ Richard didn't understand the expression in Gavin’s face until he did, and then he felt almost giddy with relief. But only for the shortest, most pathetic moment.  _

‘I don't know what else to tell you, Richard. I don't think there is anything else.’ 

‘Gavin, you don't need- there isn't-’

_ It's funny, now that he thinks about it. Richard is never at a loss for words, always knows what Gavin needs to hear, what to say to make it better. It's ironic, that he would blank the moment Gavin might just need him most.  _

‘I don't think you really want this, Gavin. I know you might think you do. But this isn't going to make this better.’

‘Richard, please,’  _ Gavin had stopped pacing, his back turned to Richard.  _ ‘Don't make this any harder than it needs to be, okay?’ 

_ In this moment, Richard felt like a puppet with cut strings. He felt like he couldn't move. There was something in his throat no words could get past and a silence fell around them.  _

_ Then, when Richard spoke again, his voice was cold as ice. Richard hated it.  _

‘Don't think I don't know what you're doing, Gavin. I suppose it's the easiest, isn't it?’ 

‘Yes, fuck, I get it, you're angry.’

_ Gavin cursing again wasn't a good sign, Richard knew that well enough. But he kept pushing anyway.  _

‘How many people have you pushed away like this? How many are left for you to punish simply for loving you?’ 

_ Richard hated the words the moment they were in the air between them. His heart hurt at the sound of the last two words. And it was foolish to lash out, to be this angry.  _

_ If Richard hadn't been sure about that from the start, he knew no later than in the moment Gavin left, the door banging shut behind him, and a silence falling that was nothing else but final.  _

_ Richard takes a shaky breath. He thinks about calling Gavin but he probably wouldn't pick up the phone, and even if he did, what was there for Richard to say?  _

I don't want to lose you? 

I don't care what you think you're doing to me?

I love you?

_ Richard presses his palms into his eyes before looking up again, at the door.  _

_ Without him meaning to, the silence takes him by the hand firmly and leads him toward his memories.  _

_ Richard remembers the first time Connor told him about Hank. The first time Richard accompanied him to the precinct with wary and scrutinising eyes that fell on Gavin instead. Connor’s endeavours to win Gavin as a friend and Gavin being helplessly overwhelmed by all of it. And the entire time, Richard next to him, every day a little step closer than before.  _

_ Richard remembers their first kiss. It was at one of the dinner nights Connor came up with in his tries to get to know even the smallest piece of family Hank had.  _

_ Richard had been outside in the backyard. It had been awfully cold. After a few minutes, Gavin had joined him, and they had sat in comfortable silence for some minutes before Gavin had put a hand on Richard’s knee.  _

_ Gavin had done the first step. Richard remembers that now. He can't stop thinking about what Gavin had felt like. The kiss had been hesitant and soft and it had only lasted a few seconds. Now, Richard can't seem to forget about it. The way Gavin had laughed gently against his skin when they’d parted.  _

_ Richard also remembers the time Hank had called him on a hot summer night, telling him Gavin had been shot pursuing a suspect. They hadn't let him in his hospital room for the entire night, so Richard had waited there, his heart beating fast enough to kill him.  _

_ Gavin had grinned when he saw Richard. ‘Hey,’ he’d said softly. ‘I'm okay.’ _

_ Richard hadn't known where to look. Hadn't dared to touch Gavin, terrified to hurt him. Gavin had taken his hand and kissed him, light and soft kisses that had only made Richard feel heavier.  _

_ ‘I'm okay,’ Gavin had kept saying, ‘I’m okay.’ _

_ ‘I love you.’ _

_ It had been said hurriedly, carefully. Richard hadn't been expecting anything in return. He'd simply sat in a hospital waiting room for hours before. And it had given him more than enough time to think.  _

_ Gavin had fallen silent at that. He'd been staring at Richard. Richard had been looking at their hands. _

_ ‘I didn't know what had happened. I've been here for hours. You were asleep; they wouldn't let me in.’ _

_ He looks up. ‘I didn't know what had happened to you. I  _ love _ you _ ,’ _ he'd added firmly, and found that his voice had been shaking.  _

_ Gavin had been quiet for a while after that before sitting up properly and reaching out to Richard. ‘Come here.’  _

_ Richard had been tired like never before in his life, and eventually he'd somehow relaxed in Gavin’s arms and fallen asleep, Gavin’s fingers running through his hair slowly.  _

_ Richard had fallen asleep, but not before he would hear the words muttered against his hair before a soft kiss had been pressed into it.  _

_ ‘I love you, too.’ _

_ And now, Richard is sitting here, and it's  _ cold. 

_ He should probably do something. He could call Connor. Maybe talking about this could actually make it better somehow.  _

_ He should call Connor, and he would. As soon as he managed to tear his eyes from the door, and to stop listening for footsteps or the wheels of a car or  _ anything _ else, he would get up, and do something, and eventually feel better. _

_ Richard sits on the windowsill for nearly an hour before he moves again.  _

 

* * *

 

 

Gavin and Richard leave early the next morning, before Leigh even gets out of bed. 

‘I sent you some pictures from yesterday to your phone,’ Gavin’s mother tells Gavin at the door, ‘maybe you'll want to keep a few, have a look sometime.’

‘Yeah, sure, mom,’ Gavin smiles. ‘Thanks.’

Gavin seems well rested, the bags under his eyes seem to be fading, or maybe that is just Richard’s imagination. There's still an exhausted look on his face though, one that Richard thinks might just never go away properly. 

Richard likes Gavin’s mother a lot. He likes recognising small things about her that also belong to Gavin. They're alike in this subtle, fascinating way Richard never gets tired of observing.

‘You two drive safe, alright?’, she says now, and pulls both Gavin and Richard in a parting hug to say goodbye. 

Richard and Gavin don't talk in the car very much, and they especially don't talk about the wedding, or mention whatever happened the night before. 

Gavin deals with that fact in a quite capable way. He tosses his phone into Richard’s lap and clears his throat. 

‘Go through the pictures, will you, see if you can find anything nice. I don’t know, stuff like drunk Leigh or whatever.’

With a nod, Richard picks up the phone. 

There's many great pictures for Richard to relive all the events of yesterday with. Most of them are of Elijah and Chloe, individually as well as together, glowing with happiness in every single picture Richard comes across. 

Richard swipes to a picture of the ceremony next, Elijah and Chloe in the front holding hands, and then there's one of the audience. It's a good one, everybody in it at least somewhat teary-eyed. Somewhere to the right, Richard notices Gavin. He smiles at Gavin’s misty eyes, and then his smile dies at the sight of Gavin’s hand grabbing Richard’s intensely. 

Trying not to look up from the phone, Richard swipes on. 

Again, there's pictures of the freshly married couple next to various different guests, most of them people Richard doesn’t know. 

Oh. And then there's one of Elijah and Gavin with their mother in the middle, a proud smile on her face, a sheepish one on Gavin’s. 

It's odd, Richard thinks to himself, to see the three of them easily next to each other like this. It's even stranger that this used to be an unusual, almost impossible sight for everyone involved. 

Richard remembers the first time Gavin told him about his brother. It was much more of an accident on Gavin’s behalf, actually. Richard could see the regret creeping into his face clear as day immediately after his comment on how Richard was ‘such a smartass, worse than my fucking brother’. 

They were in bed, a Saturday morning, Richard’s arms around Gavin. 

‘I didn't know you had a brother,’ he said softly. 

Gavin had gotten very still in his arms then. It seemed like his fight or flight instincts were kicking in, him thinking fast about what to say next. 

‘Yeah well, I have one,’ he breathed then. ‘He's a smartass, just like you.’ He shifted and when he kept speaking, Richard could hear a small smile in his voice. ‘Now stop fucking interrogating me, alright?’

Not wanting to put any pressure on him, that was the last thing Richard heard about Elijah for a long time, but eventually, ever so slowly, Gavin would share things, one tiny detail at a time. 

One time, after Richard and Gavin having dinner in Richard’s apartment, they were cleaning the kitchen. Gavin handed Richard the plates for him to put into the dishwasher. He wasn’t looking at Richard when he said, ‘His name is Elijah. My brother’s is, I mean.’ 

The next time something like that happens, Gavin wasn’t avoiding Richard’s eyes. And the more often it happens, the easier it seems to become for him. 

‘He’s one of these geniuses, smarter than anyone I know. Went to college while I was busy getting drunk.’

‘A couple years older than me. Still, back in high school I was the one to beat up whoever would give him shit.’

And sometimes, when Gavin was in a soft mood, it would sound a little different. 

‘You would like him, I think. You two have a lot in common.’ 

No matter what he said or how fleeting the moment would be, it would melt Richard every single time. He would put a hand on Gavin’s face, watch his cheeks turn red, and smile. 

And then, there was one evening, somewhere around winter. Richard and Gavin were watching a movie they’d both seen a million times before, tucked in and buried under blankets. Richard was thinking Gavin had fallen asleep long ago when suddenly, he started speaking. His voice didn't sound tired or soft. He sounded like he was on edge, like he was scared of what was going to happen when he stopped. 

He talked to Richard about his childhood then, about how close he and Elijah used to be. With every word his voice got heavier until he was almost whispering the words. He talked about fights, small and small until they eventually turned bigger. He talked about the feeling of slowly getting older, and hardly picking up his mother’s calls anymore. A relationship becoming strained, becoming distant, becoming quiet. 

He took a long and shaky breath at the end. ‘I haven’t seen him in almost five years.’ 

Richard’s heart broke at that. He put his arms around Gavin and pulled him to his chest. He was almost expecting Gavin to pull away but instead, he buried his face in the crook of Richard’s neck. 

Richard ran a finger through Gavin’s hair, and asked softly, ‘Would you like to see him again?’

And Gavin didn’t answer that for a while. It was only until a few days later that he brought it up again.

That one evening was the start of a process that took a long, long time. Richard remembers the night none of them got any sleep, endlessly discussing the right things to text to Elijah in an attempt to express the wish for conversation again. Gavin was so nervous the entire time, he was biting his nails and restlessly tapping his fingers to a non-existent rhythm. He also never let go of Richard’s hand once, until he eventually decided to call his brother instead. The second the phone started dialing, Gavin jumped up from the couch and started pacing. 

Richard was there for Gavin the entire time. He was also there the first time Gavin and Elijah met, and many of the times before and after that. 

‘I’m proud of you,’ Richard would whisper in Gavin’s ear every time he would get very quiet, or tense. And he really, really meant it. 

Richard was there next to Gavin the entire time. It would only make sense, after all, that he would be there for Elijah’s wedding, as well. 

He swipes to the next picture, this time one of Gavin and Leigh, both grinning into the camera. They’re much more alike than Gavin and Elijah, both loud and difficult for someone less patient. 

The next picture is the first dance between Chloe and Elijah. There’s also one of Elijah dancing with his mother, Chloe dancing with her father. 

And, oh. Then there’s one of him and Gavin. On the dance floor. They are very close, unnecessarily almost. 

Richard mentally recoils at the sight of the look in his own eyes. He seems so awfully soft it’s a miracle Gavin didn’t notice anything about it at all. But then again, there’s a lot of things Gavin didn’t notice yesterday. Mostly how Richard absolutely meant everything he said to him that day. 

Gavin looks good in the picture. It’s not something he himself would ever agree with, but Richard finds he somehow belongs there. The suit fits him perfectly, and despite everything he seems… at ease with his surroundings. He’s even smiling, ever so slightly, at Richard

Richard loves him very, very much. 

It hadn’t been a good idea after all, asking Gavin to dance with him. He’d told himself it was fine, unsuspicious enough. All Gavin would think was that Richard wanted to be believable in his role of Gavin’s boyfriend. 

But maybe in hindsight, with the night having all the things that happened happen, it hadn’t been the best idea. Maybe Richard was starting to lose control over himself. He definitely hadn't felt like he was in control when he'd asked Gavin. He’d even almost hoped Gavin would say no, while at the same time being terrified of it. But Gavin had said yes. 

Richard feels cold again now that he’s thinking about what it had felt like, this close to him again. He'd felt Gavin’s breath on his face. It was something that Richard apparently had missed before. 

Richard never really entertained the thought that he might have been somewhat lonely the past six months. Perhaps he should seek out some company when this whole thing was over. He can imagine that Connor would be happy to spend time with him as soon as he got behind why exactly Richard wanted it. And so that idea is dismissed.

Richard already has a feeling what the next picture is going to be but he still visibly flinches when he swipes on to it. 

They're kissing. 

The second he sees the picture he wants to apologise to Gavin all over again. Not just for the kiss, but for all the other things he's said or done that day. He'd noticed the way Gavin had been uneasy a lot of the time. He'd seemed at ease the moment he was talking to Elijah. But then Richard had walked in and taken that away from him, too. 

Kissing Gavin had been a mistake. It had been foolish and unfair and it had made absolutely everything worse. But it had felt good. Richard had felt good. Like things were easy between them, just for a second. 

Next to him, Gavin curses under his breath at the traffic. Richard’s heart jumps in his chest. It really isn’t fair. Gavin is way too easy to love. It is even less fair that he just can’t seem to see it himself. 

Richard has one last look at the picture, at Gavin’s unreadable face, and turns the phone off with a short sigh. 

He puts it on the dashboard and turns his head to the window. ‘I think it's better if you look through the pictures yourself,’ he mutters quietly. ‘You probably know better what to look for.’ 

‘Oh,’ Gavin says, eyes fixed stubbornly on the road. ‘Yeah, yeah, guess you're right.’

They spent the rest of the drive in silence, Gavin’s phone on the dashboard like a ticking bomb.

 

When the car stops at his home, Richard feels the keys to his apartment heavy in the pocket of his jacket. Looking up from out the window, the building seems grey and uninviting.

Richard is not naive enough to deny the fact that this is where this thing ends. If it hadn't ended months ago, this is the final moment. He will get out of the car and take his bag and walk the stairs and then unlock the door to his apartment and then he'll look the door behind him again. That will be it, then. Connor will call, somewhere around the time it gets dark perhaps. His voice will be soft and reassuring and he'll ask if he should come over. Richard will say no. 

Gavin won't be there to see any of it. 

Richard isn't fidgeting. He's also not chewing on his lip or biting his nails. But he feels nervous, he feels restless. 

Instead of getting out of the car like he should, he just sits, and waits for Gavin to speak. 

‘So,’ Gavin says after two, maybe three minutes have passed. He still hasn't let go of the steering wheel. He still clings to it, staring ahead like he's still driving. ‘That's it, then. Over with.’ 

Richard simply nods at that. He tries not to look at Gavin but he can't keep his eyes off of him. 

‘Hey, Listen, Richard, I-’ Gavin’s voice is strained, almost like the words are burning painfully in his throat. Richard’s breathing stops. He’s such a fool. He's getting his hopes up again. 

‘I guess I didn't- I never really- I really should- thank you,’ he finally manages, ‘for doing this. I don't think I've said it before, so. Thanks. Seriously.’ 

Gavin’s eyes find Richard’s. Richard smiles the tiniest smile that Gavin doesn't return. 

Under different circumstances, for example if all this had happened before Gavin and Richard instead of after them, Gavin likely would have simply said sorry instead of thank you. This thought takes away some of the heaviness breathing around Richard’s lungs.

‘You're welcome,’ he says. ‘I'm glad I could help you with this. I enjoyed it.’ 

Richard isn't biting his lip, but now Gavin is. His eyes are cast down again. Richard wants to take his hand to make Gavin look at him. With nothing but bitterness and regret, maybe. He just wants Gavin to  _ look _ at him. 

‘Richard, did you-’ Richard feels like the smart, the reflected thing to do would be not to let Gavin continue. There's a dangerous edge to his voice. But unfortunately, it's Gavin’s voice, and it has an unfortunate effect on Richard. So there’s nothing that stops him. 

‘Did you mean what you said yesterday?’, Gavin asks. ‘About imagining our- our wedding, I mean. Did you really?’ 

There it is: another thing that Richard desperately wants to apologise for. Another line completely crossed, another perfect reason for Richard to get out of this car and not look back so that Gavin can drive home and move forward in some direction that doesn't involve Richard or his terrible and loud feelings. He's been telling the truth all day yesterday at the wedding. Perhaps now there's the time to lie. 

‘I did,’ Richard says anyways. He's thrown caution in the wind completely, and apparently the thing he wants to do right now is to keep on burning all his bridges. He shouldn't. He shouldn't. But he does so anyway. 

Gavin’s face is unreadable when Richard goes on, and Richard misses his face so much that he starts rushing through his sentences, stumbling over the words. 

‘It would be small, with only a few people invited. Not as big as Elijah’s. It would be in the summer, the sun would shine the entire day. Connor would have a speech, he'd be flawless, make everybody cry. Then Tina would make everyone laugh.’ 

There's a small smile on Gavin’s lips, one that Richard must be imagining because it twists his insides into something warm and it surely can't be real. 

‘You'd be so nervous,’ Richard whispers the words more than he actually says them. ‘But you'd be perfect.’ 

He stops himself right there. All of the other sentences evaporate in his mind, not without all of them lighting up individually. 

_ I'd propose on a Friday, pick you up from work and cook for you. You'd say yes. There would be nothing to worry about. It wouldn't end with any one of us alone. It wouldn't end with Connor’s disappointed face. You'd be my husband, and I would love you like you deserve it and you'd let me.  _

_ You'd let me.  _

Gavin clears his throat. His smile is gone. Richard thinks it's definitely time to leave the car. Every single thing that Richard said is floating between them, taking up too much space and taking away all the air for both of them to breathe. 

‘I didn't know,’ Gavin mutters. He looks like there's something else he would like to say. Richard's eyes are fixed on his lips again. Maybe, he could-

But Gavin doesn't close any distance between them. He pulls the key out of the ignition and clears his throat again. ‘I didn't know.’ 

Richard would give anything to be able to read Gavin’s mind. If he'd only know what exactly he is thinking, he could crawl in there and tell him all the things he needs to hear. To wipe that expression of his face. 

But Richard doesn't know what Gavin wants, can't tell if he even wants anything at all. He thinks six months ago maybe he could've. Now all he can do is watch Gavin step out of the car and open the trunk.

Ever so slowly, Richard follows him. 

‘Thank you,’ he mutters and takes his bag from Gavin’s hands. 

‘Listen, Richard, I, uh,’ Gavin fumbles with his keys absentmindedly before he looks up again; this time, Richard’s heart is too tired to beat faster, or to stop entirely. ‘I just- I owe you. If you need my help with anything - I mean literally anything, just call me.’ 

Richard smiles. ‘I will.’ This time, he's finally really lying. 

Walking up the stairs to his apartment with Gavin close behind him, Richard feels like he’s pulled from the strings of time. It’s been so long since the last time they walked these hallways together, he almost doesn’t recognise the door to his own apartment. This all makes so little sense to him. Richard wonders if this is how Gavin felt in his teenage bedroom, Richard next to him. Richard wonders if it also felt this backwards and wrong to Gavin, like he messed with some sort of system, broke some important rules somehow. 

Richard also wonders, ever so slightly, why Gavin is following him up these stairs instead of simply driving off in his car. But he isn’t asking. Maybe he’s scared Gavin won’t have an answer when he does, and just turn around and walk off. 

Right here, where they currently are, Richard can’t imagine letting Gavin go. Not with the dance and the kiss and the night lurking between them. Richard has to. But he can’t picture it properly. 

It’s terrifying.

There’s a few minutes of silence where Richard doesn’t even realise he’s supposed to unlock his front door until Gavin clears his throat next to him. 

Richard feels his heartbeat fasten again when his door is open and he’s standing in the doorway, Gavin in the hallway. This would be a good time to close the door behind him and let go. 

Richard can’t imagine letting Gavin go. 

He tries finding words in Gavin’s eyes that he can't say out loud. Every time he feels like he’s maybe found something, Richard has to remind himself that he must be imagining it. 

It’s over now, Richard tells himself. This is where this ends. 

‘When are you going to tell them?’, Richard asks, shaking the silence. Gavin’s eyes are fixed to the bag that’s hanging over Richard’s shoulder. He shrugs. 

‘My mother, as soon as I’m home, I guess. Leigh, too. Elijah, I don’t know,’ he sounds tired and heavy, and then breathes out something close to a laugh. It’s bitter and sad and Richard wants nothing more than to kiss it better. He stays where he’s standing in the doorway. ‘Probably when him and Chloe are back.’

Richard remembers telling Connor, telling Hank about the break-up. Him and Gavin had been standing next to each other back then, somewhat together. Even then, it had been agonizingly difficult. Gavin is going to be all by himself with this. He’s going to have do deal with the faces of disappointment, of lack of understanding all over again. 

No one could have seen their break-up coming then. And this time, Gavin was just dancing with Richard on a wedding for everyone to see shortly before. 

‘Good luck,’ Richard says softly, and Gavin snorts. ‘Yeah,’ he rasps, ‘thanks.’ 

He shrugs again. After avoiding his eyes for two days, now he's not looking away from Richard even when his face turns bitter and worried. 

‘It's fine,’ Gavin adds in response to the look that must seem out of place on Richard’s face, ‘it's my fault that it's all even happening like this.’ His hand wanders up to his neck sheepishly. ‘Maybe it'll be some kind of a lesson for me.’ 

He laughs then, at Richard’s face maybe, but there's no happiness in the sound. There's nothing. 

‘Don't worry about me, Nines,’ Gavin says softly. Richard aches at the name, the way Gavin’s voice wraps around it. It's so familiar. It's like time has no meaning here, in this hallway. Everything is melting around the two of them. It hurts. 

‘I'll be okay. Seriously.’ He takes one tiny step back. Richard follows without even noticing. 

‘Thank you, Richard,’ Gavin says again. Richard smiles. It's like now that Gavin has said thank you once, he can't stop. 

‘I'll just,’ he takes another step, this time Richard stays where he is, ‘I'll see you around sometime.’

It's a casual remark, easy and uncomplicated. It shouldn't be the thing to push Richard over the edge. There shouldn't be anything big enough to push Richard over the edge, and maybe it's Gavin, after all. Gavin, all over again. 

Gavin, like every time. 

Everything that happens next is just a matter of seconds but for Richard, it feels like hours. Everything is happening so slowly. 

Gavin turns to walk off so slow it seem like it's on purpose, and Richard takes one step towards him. Richard reaches for his wrist. Gavin stops in his tracks. He turns around and stares at Richard. 

Richard’s grip isn't tight. For Gavin, it would be so easy to just let go, slip away and walk. But he doesn't. He stares at Richard instead. 

They stand like that for what feels like forever, Gavin and Richard, Richard and Gavin. Richard is clinging to Gavin’s wrist without pulling, but Gavin still lets himself be pulled towards Richard. The steps are small. Every single one echoes on the walls of the empty hallway, so loud it hurts, and Gavin is walking towards Richard. 

Richard feels Gavin’s wrist twist in his hand and he almost flinches at the feeling; this is the moment where Gavin lets go, and leaves, like he should, except he doesn't. 

He twists his hand, out of Richard’s grip, into his hand. He takes Richard’s hand. He's holding Richard’s hand. 

Gavin takes another small step forward. Now Richard takes his other hand, drawing a circle on Gavin’s skin with his finger. 

His hands are warm. 

Richard isn't sure about any of this. He doesn't understand where he's supposed to go from here. He doesn't know what's next. 

His mind is still trying to find a convenient, a smart, a logical way out of this, one that leaves him with a simple enough locked door and Gavin with nothing else but a drive and an uncomfortable conversation with his family ahead of him. 

His thoughts are racing for a way to stop, and just a second before he comes to a conclusion, Gavin leans in and Gavin kisses him. 

It's careful, like Gavin is worried Richard is going to pull away after everything that's happened. It's just like the very first time. Richard remembers it so vividly right now that it hurts; Hank’s backyard, and the unfamiliarity of Gavin’s lips and the yearning for more. 

Richard lets go of Gavin’s hands and puts his fingers into Gavin’s hair, pulls him closer, closer. 

Richard feels light. The world is different now than it was a few seconds ago; it seems somehow easier. Everything seems to be right in his grasp. Everything seems to be  _ right _ . 

His hand finds Gavin’s neck and he keeps pulling. Gavin has his arms around Richard, constantly moving. His touch is frantic. Desperate. 

It's only when Gavin’s hands cup Richard’s cheeks that the world returns to its normal colours and the angles change and then Richard realises what he's doing. 

He's kissing Gavin. The wedding is done, he's back home, his bag dropped next to him, and he's  _ kissing  _ Gavin. 

Richard's heart starts speeding, for entirely different reasons this time. When their lips part there's a thousand apologies ready on his tongue. He needs to let go of Gavin, and then he needs to let go of Gavin. There's nothing light or easy about any of this. 

And Gavin doesn't like it when things become complicated. 

Oh, but Richard’s _missed_ him. And he kisses exactly the way he used to. Richard’s selfishness is so eager it trips over its own feet. He wants Gavin. He loves Gavin. 

He can't imagine-

Still, in an act more exhausting than anything he can think of, Richard lets go. 

Richard knows Gavin well. He doesn't know him longest and he doesn't know him best, but he still knows him well enough to recognise certain patterns. That doesn't mean Gavin can't surprise him. It simply means that most of the time, Richard vaguely knows what to expect of him. 

What he doesn't expect now however, is Gavin fisting his hands into the back of Richard’s shirt and burying his face in his chest. 

‘I'm  _ sorry _ ,’ he almost sobs into Richard’s shirt. Richard's mind has come to a halt now. He isn't thinking when he wraps his arms around Gavin and just listens. 

‘Fuck, Richard, I'm so sorry, about everything, I was such a fucking idiot, I'm so sorry, I should have never hurt you, I know-’ 

Gavin goes on. Richard's chest feels tighter with every single word. He keeps listening to Gavin spilling these words over him like sloppy tears.

Eventually, there is nothing but shallow breathing against Richard’s chest. Gavin’s shoulders are shaking weakly. The last few words he utters so quietly, so tiredly that Richard almost can't hear him. 

‘I don't understand why you're doing this,’ Gavin mutters. ‘All of this. I've done nothing but hurt you, but you're still like you used to be. I don't think you should be anymore.’ 

Then, Gavin falls quiet. His breathing evens out. But he doesn't move away; he still clings to Richard.

He's waiting, Richard realises. He's waiting for Richard to understand that Gavin is right. That Richard shouldn't. 

He's waiting for Richard to send him away and make sure he doesn't come back. 

Richard has dozens of words on his tongue as he looks down to Gavin. He presses his lips into Gavin’s hair and keeps them in his mouth. 

_ I love you, I love you, I love you. _

He hasn't said them in such a long time. He doesn't say them now, either. Because he can feel Gavin’s heart beat against his chest, so fast. He's terrified. Hell, Richard is terrified. He keeps the words inside, for now. 

‘Stay,’ he says instead. Gavin shifts in Richard’s arms. He raises his head until they're looking at each other. Gavin's eyes are so green. It isn't fair. 

Richard raises a hand and strokes Gavin’s hair. Gavin’s eyes close at the touch. 

‘Just for a little while,’ Richard adds softly. 

‘Stay.’ 

Anything that is happening between them right now, anything that could be said or would be said or won't be said, is completely new. Richard doesn't know how this is supposed to go on, or where it will go on. There's no logic to rely on anymore. There's only Gavin. 

And the way Gavin looks at Richard, he must not know how to go on, either. 

Still, his moving slow and insecure, Gavin rests his forehead against Richard's. Richard feels his breathing warm on his face. 

_ I love you, I love you, I love you _ . 

Gavin’s fingers find Richard’s hair. His heart seems to be beating more easily now. 

His voice is still a little shaky when he speaks. But that's fine, because after hearing his answer, Richard closes the door behind them and then, suddenly, they have all the time in the world ahead of them to understand, and to explain. 

Connor would call later, sometime when it's dark, and so would Tina, and both Gavin and Richard would pick up and speak with an ease they shouldn't have. 

Because right now, with a thin voice, Gavin says, ‘okay.’ 

And he stays. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> 'In another life  
> You and I  
> Worked West Virginia coal mines  
> Side by side  
> Collecting the black dust like sin  
> The day the main shaft caved in  
> I caught your eye  
> As the lantern light guttered out  
> And the afterdamp  
> Swallowed us slowly  
> I gripped your hand  
> And caught a glance  
> Of the next time 'round
> 
> Now we sink into a summer afternoon  
> Central Park in June  
> Marveling at the bounty  
> Our days contain  
> And we feel it like the shiver  
> Of a passing train  
> That other life  
> Deep underground  
> You and I  
> Side by side  
> We are the next time 'round'
> 
> In Another Life by Vienna Teng


End file.
